Thursday, July 27, 2017

How do we find our way, when our way seems to be filled with intricately woven paths?.Life is never just straight forward. I can see past that though, like a horizon just waiting on the other side. Like a safety net waiting to catch me if I fall.You are my innocence.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Lock up. 75% of homeless women suffer some form of mental illness.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

         Look carefully, what do you see? Images can lie, it's not your image that defines you, but your character.Images, a perfectly put together portrait can radiate confidence. We can be entranced, deluded but what about our actions? People CAN and do lie pretetending they are something they are not.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

                                          Very upset that I'm quiting smoking...wish there was an easier answer
                                        but there is no other way.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Over the eons there existed a group of humans, they were called the wise ones. They were skilled in the training of the mind, but especially meditation. This special skill they acquired, the mystics, gave them great advantage. The ability to remain still in the mind while under great outside influences. We become immune. The Dalai Lama is an example of these wise ones, who had to endure when others would have subcomed to the forces that conspire against them.

Some books are important but not for the reasons you may think.

Friday, July 14, 2017

The man of principle never forgets what he is, because of what others are. Baltasar Gracian

Thursday, July 13, 2017

                                                         I promise...

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

                                 Loneliness the disease that lives within my heart,
                                                      #Edmonton parks

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

I'm feeling hopeful and excited about the future. The smoking was a huge burden that has been lifted off my shoulders. I did not feel like myself while smoking. There are so many possibilities I can do anything I want!Anything at all. Next up eating habits, must fix those than I am set for life. Then I fly.
I quit smoking today. I am a non smoker. I feel like...the big bad monsters are going to get me. I was reading the book Allen Carr -the easy way to quit smoking and in it he states that there is no crutch in smoking that it's an illusion. It doesn't actually give me courage that ,that is illusion as well. I just FELT like it did. I've been systematically destroying my health for the past three years. Because I couldn't cope with stress. Particularly that of hearing voices. But I don't have that anymore problem solved I can move on with my life.


Monday, July 10, 2017

                               This day I succeed, but my success is short lived for I have much further to go.

Friday, July 7, 2017

I don't know what's wrong with me I've been chain smoking all day. I actually ran out of cigarettes early tonight. I'm getting intense cravings to smoke. I don't know where it's coming from. Maybe it's the reiki, the journaling, or exercise bring up emotions to the surface. I feel like a crack addict with these cigarettes. There's also a full moon tomorrow. That could contribute. My energy is all over the place. I think I'm going to wake up early to go for my walk. BEFORE it gets hot out.
                                             Next up art
Really nervous for tomorrow I officially start the quit smoking.No more organic cigarettes no more nothing. I went out to one of my favorite places in Edmonton today and did some journaling. Just me no computer to distract me, no nothing. It was hard sitting with all the pain, I constantly wanted to run and hide to get away. But I stayed (not for a long time), and not many thoughts came through the dense pain. I had writers block. But one thing I did discover is that no matter how much emotional clearing I do the cigarettes will undo that. I can't move forward without quitting. There are a lot of obstacles in the way. Health anxiety, panic attacks, stress, but I've got a strategy that has helped me cope in the past. The health anxiety will be the worst. If I get sick during the first few months I will go into full blown panic mode.Once it starts it's hard to de-escalate.. That's the problem so what to do. The exercise has helped but it's been so warm out that it's difficult to get outside. I did some walking today around downtown, but not much.Quit day is tomorrow. I have 20 days to reduce. I cigarette per day. I just hope I have enough stuff to keep me busy.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Only those who continually re-examine themselves and correct their faults will grow. The Hagakure
Even the samurai, who dedicated their lives to their code of honor and their way of life, had to constantly re-examine their life in order to make sure that they were staying true to the man that they were dedicated to being. Being a superior man is not a goal that you reach and then you can sit back and relax; as I said, it is a constant, never-ending process.
Think of it this way. If you are into bodybuilding and you reach a very high level of defined muscle mass, are you set for life for having reached that goal? Can you then simply sit back, do nothing, eat whatever you want, and still maintain that same level of excellence, because you have achieved the highest level that your body could achieve? Of course not!
No matter what level you reach in bodybuilding, if you quit lifting weights, quit eating properly, quit exercising, and simply let yourself go, you will not only regress back to where you first started, but you could possibly even find yourself totally out of shape and obese. You have to constantly strive to maintain your physique and your health.
It is the same way with maintaining your code. You have to continually re-examine yourself, correct whatever faults you may find, and continue to grow throughout your life. Living the warrior lifestyle, as men of the code do, is a lifelong journey. It takes a lot of discipline and effort to stay on the right path, but very little to destroy what you have struggled for. Bohdi Sanders 

Following our principles is hard especially when we are feeling stuck emotions, feeling unmotivated, unbalanced, and uncentered. What to do but keep fighting to win back what we lost. The first step is to define your principles. What are they?More importantly what obstacles are standing in the way of achieving your goals?What small goals can we work towards for personal growth?
For me it's overcoming what I feel like is hard. Focus on your accomplishments so far and build off that. Personally I feel lost and like I don't know what I want. I guess that's the next step for me, figure out what I want.

                                      This path we walk, we walk it alone. Time for change.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

I am a drifter without a home base. Time for some introspection. Why do some people come and go, why can't we keep them??I don't know what I'm doing I am completely lost and alone. All I have is the places I used to go to.

This is where I go to think. Some find it "morbid", but I think it's peaceful.Where else to go 
when you are completely alone.I was feeling like I needed to get out tonight to think.
This cemetery is called "Edmonton Cemetery", it's located close to downtown.
The cemetery for lost souls just bring a journal and a coffee.

Monday, July 3, 2017

                                  Hand made aquamarine crystal wrap .The first of many.
I don't know who I am without her, people truly help define you.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Been having some major shifts happening in my life. Things are changing so quickly. People coming and going. Decisions to be made. perhaps opportunities
. Where is my life headed?          *What do you want*?

It's been three years

Change begins within

Moon in Libra
                                            Romance happens.

High expectations. Why do I have such high expectations of myself. I was taught well. I don't want to unmake it. I get anxiety telling people that I smoke...because somehow I have failed myself and everyone around me. I used to get such high anxiety because of these high expectations...because I couldn't perform to my standards. That anxiety is gone now though.
I shouldn't think on it too much though.

High expectations build yourself define yourself ENOUGH why am I placing such pressure on myself. You wouldn't ask someone with a broken leg to start running. It would be inhuman.

High expectations. you dishonor your family, you embarrass yourself, it's weak, you are weak.

I'm only human...i'm not a samurai I don't have to have such high expectations of myself.

                                                   you haunt me...

Saturday, July 1, 2017

                                            why do they always leave me.