Saturday, October 31, 2015

                                                Naked in your eyes
Truth is, you were tired of our arrangement, something in it didn't satisfy some need inside of you. Maybe I'll never know why. I did my best I thought I was doing the right things.. I made changes in my life, good changes. People in my life started commenting on how proud they were of me. Maybe you were tired of giving. The changes I made didn't satisfy you. Maybe I gave you too much power over me. Now things have taken a turn, truth is I'm not sure how to satisfy whatever need is inside of you. You tried to sabotage my efforts by making rude comments. Maybe you didn't like seeing me so happy and content. Maybe I didn't earn it in your eyes. .. truth is you helped me out of your own free will, then tried to undo it. Maybe you thought you made it too easy..now you resent giving me all you have. Maybe you don't respect me and try to prove it by the rude comments. 

Friday, October 23, 2015

                                           Oct 26, 2015 to April 26th, 2016
                                       

Truth is, you were tired of our arrangement, something in it didn't satisfy some need inside of you. Maybe I'll never know why. I did my best I thought I was doing the right things.. I made changes in my life, good changes. People in my life started commenting on how proud they were of me. Maybe you were tired of giving. The changes I made didn't satisfy you. Maybe I gave you too much power over me. Now things have taken a turn, truth is I'm not sure how to satisfy whatever need is inside of you. You tried to sabotage my efforts by making rude comments. Maybe you didn't like seeing me so happy and content. Maybe I didn't earn it in your eyes. .. truth is you helped me out of your own free will, then tried to undo it. Maybe you thought you made it too easy..now you resent giving me all you have. 

                                          You haunt me in my dreams and in my waking state you follow me like shadow and are in my presence as I do my make-up for the day. You know me better than anyone has ever known me, yet you are the ugliest thing that I have ever seen and probably will ever encounter for many lifetimes to come.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

You hang on to him as if your life depended on it, as if this is the last time you will see him.Any little chance to get closer just so you won't have to let go.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

                                           Beach weather is gone.


Sometimes it's not as simple as wanting love but life getting in the way.



Overcoming Schizophrenia is the hardest thing I will ever have to do. Death would be easy. I look at ordinary people and feel something close to hate at how easy everyone has it. happiness is easy to attain but most people STILL can't get there. A while ago I agreed, or made up my mind that anything is possible since I've come up against some pretty crazy things which seemed impossible at the time and was proven wrong, maybe this is such a case but I just can't see the answer.

Fuck you..

Sunday, October 18, 2015

There was a boy and a girl... they were friends for a time. They had a special friendship. One day the boy got hurt and his friend could see this. She wanted to help him but he wouldn't let her. She could see EXACTLY how to make the hurt go away..but they boy still refused to accept his friends help. 

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Mood: freedom, fun

The reality about mental disorders is that they are heartbreaking. I was diagnosed in 2011 with Schizophrenia and ever since then I've been dealing with this label.  I'm not sure how to make sense of it or how to effectively manage it even after five years and that's the sad reality. I lost everything to this disorder including friends.

I have a hard time even just explaining my situation on my blog without sounding like a sad case.  It's a heavy subject and most people don't really want to be brought down by hearing something like this. I know I get depressed about hearing about other people's disorders. Who wants to hear that. At the same time I'm still left wanting to express myself and my situation. Most days I just feel numb and like I can't really get a grip of how I'm really feeling.

For the longest time I was afraid to explain how I really feel or how bad things really are because it was such a huge divide between who I was and who I am now. I've been afraid of letting people down, but letting one friend down in particular. I'm tired of hiding out.. and I can say things are a lot worse then I've been letting on. My life is out of control completely. And I know it will dissappoint people but I'm not sure how to pretend I'm something other than what I am.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

aprende a obsequiar con tu silencio a quien no te pide palabras y con tu ausencia a quien no aprecia tu presencia.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

When life knocks you down you just have to punch it in the face.
I can see what she's done to you but I don't know where I will find the strength to fight for you.

Monday, October 12, 2015

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
--Eleanor Roosevelt

"Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy."
--Dale Carnegie
I have violent tendencies not goals or dreams! not to mention sometimes I think I may have a bipolar personality since I seek to DESTROY those I initially was helping.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015