Tuesday, December 22, 2015

                                           A fellow sensative being.
                                                          To start building my life as best as I can.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015


I said: what about my eyes?
God said: Keep them on the road.
I said: what about my passion?
God said: Keep it burning.
I said: what about my heart?
God said: Tell me what you hold inside it?
I said: pain and sorrow?
He said: ..stay with it.
The wound is the place where the Light enters you.

~ Rumi

Saturday, December 5, 2015

                                           Oct 26, 2015 to April 26th, 2016
                                       Plan G fail on to plan H Dr.Chris...hopefully she doesn't start hitting on me :/
As the darkness slips away I'm not sure what's left. I know I need to take steps..but it's like walking through the wilderness without a compass. It's morning and it's a bit chilly out. 

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

                                     My Dr hitting on me yesterday reminded me that I want a boyfriend. To feel what it feels like to be desired. 

Tuesday, November 24, 2015


All the pieces that I hide from you, the many pieces that are lost just come bubbling to the surface. I'm tired of running away. The me that's lost ..the princess who's afraid of being a queen. Afraid of the power that, that will unleash. The monster in the closet you are afraid to look at. Afraid because of what will happen if you were to shine. Maybe it's the voice you were afraid to let echo.. I rage against you. Angry that you took my security blanket away..making me feel exposed. 

Thursday, November 12, 2015

                                   I look into your eyes and all I see is everything I was afraid to be.

Friday, November 6, 2015

The days blend into each other and are never ending..connecting as if there was no difference between today or yesterday. Today is day 4 and I feel no difference.

Monday, November 2, 2015

Saturday, October 31, 2015

                                                Naked in your eyes
Truth is, you were tired of our arrangement, something in it didn't satisfy some need inside of you. Maybe I'll never know why. I did my best I thought I was doing the right things.. I made changes in my life, good changes. People in my life started commenting on how proud they were of me. Maybe you were tired of giving. The changes I made didn't satisfy you. Maybe I gave you too much power over me. Now things have taken a turn, truth is I'm not sure how to satisfy whatever need is inside of you. You tried to sabotage my efforts by making rude comments. Maybe you didn't like seeing me so happy and content. Maybe I didn't earn it in your eyes. .. truth is you helped me out of your own free will, then tried to undo it. Maybe you thought you made it too easy..now you resent giving me all you have. Maybe you don't respect me and try to prove it by the rude comments. 

Friday, October 23, 2015

                                           Oct 26, 2015 to April 26th, 2016
                                       

Truth is, you were tired of our arrangement, something in it didn't satisfy some need inside of you. Maybe I'll never know why. I did my best I thought I was doing the right things.. I made changes in my life, good changes. People in my life started commenting on how proud they were of me. Maybe you were tired of giving. The changes I made didn't satisfy you. Maybe I gave you too much power over me. Now things have taken a turn, truth is I'm not sure how to satisfy whatever need is inside of you. You tried to sabotage my efforts by making rude comments. Maybe you didn't like seeing me so happy and content. Maybe I didn't earn it in your eyes. .. truth is you helped me out of your own free will, then tried to undo it. Maybe you thought you made it too easy..now you resent giving me all you have. 

                                          You haunt me in my dreams and in my waking state you follow me like shadow and are in my presence as I do my make-up for the day. You know me better than anyone has ever known me, yet you are the ugliest thing that I have ever seen and probably will ever encounter for many lifetimes to come.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

You hang on to him as if your life depended on it, as if this is the last time you will see him.Any little chance to get closer just so you won't have to let go.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

                                           Beach weather is gone.


Sometimes it's not as simple as wanting love but life getting in the way.



Overcoming Schizophrenia is the hardest thing I will ever have to do. Death would be easy. I look at ordinary people and feel something close to hate at how easy everyone has it. happiness is easy to attain but most people STILL can't get there. A while ago I agreed, or made up my mind that anything is possible since I've come up against some pretty crazy things which seemed impossible at the time and was proven wrong, maybe this is such a case but I just can't see the answer.

Fuck you..

Sunday, October 18, 2015

There was a boy and a girl... they were friends for a time. They had a special friendship. One day the boy got hurt and his friend could see this. She wanted to help him but he wouldn't let her. She could see EXACTLY how to make the hurt go away..but they boy still refused to accept his friends help. 

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Mood: freedom, fun

The reality about mental disorders is that they are heartbreaking. I was diagnosed in 2011 with Schizophrenia and ever since then I've been dealing with this label.  I'm not sure how to make sense of it or how to effectively manage it even after five years and that's the sad reality. I lost everything to this disorder including friends.

I have a hard time even just explaining my situation on my blog without sounding like a sad case.  It's a heavy subject and most people don't really want to be brought down by hearing something like this. I know I get depressed about hearing about other people's disorders. Who wants to hear that. At the same time I'm still left wanting to express myself and my situation. Most days I just feel numb and like I can't really get a grip of how I'm really feeling.

For the longest time I was afraid to explain how I really feel or how bad things really are because it was such a huge divide between who I was and who I am now. I've been afraid of letting people down, but letting one friend down in particular. I'm tired of hiding out.. and I can say things are a lot worse then I've been letting on. My life is out of control completely. And I know it will dissappoint people but I'm not sure how to pretend I'm something other than what I am.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

aprende a obsequiar con tu silencio a quien no te pide palabras y con tu ausencia a quien no aprecia tu presencia.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

When life knocks you down you just have to punch it in the face.
I can see what she's done to you but I don't know where I will find the strength to fight for you.

Monday, October 12, 2015

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
--Eleanor Roosevelt

"Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy."
--Dale Carnegie
I have violent tendencies not goals or dreams! not to mention sometimes I think I may have a bipolar personality since I seek to DESTROY those I initially was helping.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Schizophrenia means living in fear, schizophrenia means anxiety and depression. Schizophrenia means you are not as healthy as you once were.
                                             2011 is the last time I was in therapy. My emotions are a jumbled mess. If I can't focus on actions the least I can do is deal with emotions.

Thursday, September 17, 2015



I feel like I fought hard to keep the doubt away from your mind. To keep you seeing me. But it wasn't enough. Maybe you just didn't want to be seen anymore. Maybe that was your way of ending the relationship. The daggers we threw at each other left wounds. I feel like I just fought a war looking back at the disaster that has ended.

I get moments of peace like today when I see things clearly. I can see the steps I have to take. I want to write beautiful inspiring words..but all that comes out is charcoal. My black soul is strewn across the canvass and it seems so loud when all I want to be heard is a whisper. 

Sunday, September 13, 2015

                                                 Finally found a path without any bumps. I went to a tarot workshop yesterday and things seem to fall into place. I bought my second deck of Oracle cards today, and there is something so therapeutic and otherworldly working with these cards. It's as if the ordinary everyday world just drifts away and we can create whatever we want, our own rules. This mind set is very liberating. The Faery Godmother card in this Oracle deck is what really caught my attention.I like the stardust by the crown of her head, the owl at the top left and the mystery the card seems to emanate.  I'm still learning how to use the Oracle,  but I like how it allows your mind to float into the possibilities of all that we can create and manifest in our lives.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Discipline is choosing between what you want now and what you want most!

You must discipline yourself to achieve anything worthwhile in this life. An undisciplined person never sticks to anything long enough to truly become proficient or to accomplish great things. The undisciplined person will only workout when he or she feels like it or is excited about it. Once the newness and the excitement wears off, they move on to something else.

In order to achieve a high level in your martial arts, you must be disciplined. You must discipline yourself to work on your art daily. You must workout even when you are not in the mood. You must push yourself when you had rather be doing something else.

You must learn to control your mind and force yourself to look at your long-term goals. Where do you want to be this time next month, or next year? You must discipline yourself now in order to be where you want to be later. Those without discipline will sooner or later, envy those with discipline. Discipline yourself to stay the course! Bohdi Sanders 

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Sunday, September 6, 2015

                                                    For the fashion challenged.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Monday, August 31, 2015

I've failed you, I was supposed to make you see that having an empathetic and warm heart is the only thing that is worth it in this life. I wasn't able to save you just like I wasn't able to save my mom from her disease. As long as I am still living there is still time. Even if I see that you are wasting away. Your heart is getting harder as the years go by and I know that it isn't right. I will save you.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

                                         



Tuesday, August 18, 2015

I fought so hard not to lose myself but it was all in vain.
YVR


Tuesday, August 11, 2015




                             

Monday, August 10, 2015

                                     I miss Edmonton's trails. There is something so calming about being in nature.
           

Saturday, August 1, 2015

If I could I would drive a sword into the chest of schizophrenia. Fuck nature.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Your poisonous venom spreads putting doubt in my mind, yet I feel helpless to fight it off. The strength needed, the sureness in word and action is gone and I am left floundering like a fish on dry land. What I wouldn't give to have some of the zeal to put you in your place. How freely you say words that do such damage. Let these words stand as an oath written for all to see that I will not forget. Caring about someone if not enough you have to show it in deeds.

I swore I would never let others treat me badly, here I am breaking that promise to myself. It's the worst kind if betrayal. People start getting comfortable in their crappy situations. They let things slide so far that at the end of the day they cannot look at themselves in the mirror. I can't think of a more disgusting situation, something that provokes my stomach to turn. How many chances does a person need before they right their wrongs. Truth is I've been they idiot giving them. I came back because I felt like it was my fault things fell apart. I walk away because you didn't even try. Why do I have to be the strong one to stop things from falling apart, why do I have to fix things. I was hoping you could be strong that you wouldn't fall apart but I would rather be dead than be in a situation like this.
I'm just so scared of letting go, afraid I will fall into this abyss that no one will recover me from.
                                 Sometimes your soul can look like the blackest ink.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Friday, July 24, 2015

The thought of you makes things more tolerable.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Why weren't you there?
Sometimes when I want to scream I feel like there will be no sound that comes out and no one will ever hear it. This is why schizophrenia is one of the loneliest diseases.